Let's Read: Vampire Academy (w/ Meg Heymdia!): Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

In which we take so many trips to the Department of Exposition that we should probably have a weekly ticket to save money.

(Catch up on chapter 2!)

When we left our heroines, Headmistress Kirova had somewhat grudgingly agreed not to expel Rose from the Academy with prejudice on the conditions that Rose essentially never do anything but go to class and also take extra training sessions with Dimitri Ponytail. Essentially the only reason Rose gets to stay is her Super Special Bond with Lissa so ONCE AGAIN being in love with your best friend pays off! (DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.)

Headmistress Kirova sends Rose and Lissa straight from this fun time disciplinary meeting to get their class schedules. Rose's looks like this:

"1st Period: Advanced Guardian Training Techniques

2nd Period: Bodyguard Theory and Personal Protection 3

3rd Period: Weight Training and Conditioning

4th Period: Senior Language Arts (Novices) 

-- Lunch --

5th Period: Animal Behaviour and Psychology

6th Period: Precalculus

7th Period: Moroi Culture 4

8th Period: Slavic Art"

 So essentially what I am taking away from this is that I would just be dead if I even attempted guardian training. Also, as a person who went to an English state school, like, that timetable makes ZERO sense to me. EIGHT periods?? HOW??? We had FOUR. Do they get non-timetabled breaks? I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Anyway, it makes sense to Rose, which is the important thing, even if she is sulking about not getting to see Lissa until after lunch because guardian Novices and Moroi have to take separate classes till then. Aw, Rose. Sorry about how you don't get to pass your girlfriend notes for half a day. USE YOUR BOND INSTEAD <.<

Dimitri Ponytail and Alberta (the head of the guardians at the Academy) take Rose to class. Rose's main concern about this escort is that Alberta has cut her hair short to show off her molnija and Rose Does Not Want to cut her hair when she passes training. TOTALLY VALID. I would not cut my hair either. They arrive at gym class (HA HA NO THANKS) and Rose squares her shoulders back and is just like ENOUGH OF THIS GAWPING SHIT. I AM FABULOUS AND ALL THESE LOSERS MUST KNOW IT. To accomplish this, she finds a guy she recognises and is all like STOP THINKING ABOUT ME NAKED and this guy turns out to actually be leading this class but it's all fine because more banter about it always being a good time to think about Rose naked ensues with another guy in the class and it all works out and everyone ends up like AW ROSE, COOL TO HAVE YOU BACK.

(I imagine Dimitri and Lissa are both internally snapping pencils or something throughout this little exchange.)

One of the guys Rose spoke to is called Mason Ashford (NOT Mason Verger, despite how that is automatically where my brain goes, because that would be a very different book) and he offers to catch her up on the training exercises that Rose just straight out balks at when she's expected to know them. Turns out, running away from school for two years hasn't done Rose much good in the way of, like, knowing the shit she's supposed to know, so Mason beats her in all the exercises and then is like UM SO THESE TRIALS WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE.... but Rose counters that because SHE HAS A PLAN AND THAT PLAN IS HOT HOT DIMITRI PONYTAIL. Mason is appropriately surprised/turned on:

"Mason stopped walking and stared at me. 'You're putting in extra time with Belikov?'

'Yeah, so what?'

'So the man is a god.'"

Leaving this hella hetero conversation behind, Rose goes to a bodyguard training class where the teacher haaaaaaaaaates her and is all like MISS HATHAWAY OUR RESIDENT CELEBRITY I ASSUME YOU ARE NOW SO SKILLED THAT YOU DON'T EVEN NEED THIS CLASS SO WHY  NOT COME AND DEMONSTRATE HOW MUCH BETTER YOU ARE THAN THE OTHERS. They get into an argument about Rose's lack of regard for Lissa's safety and, like, okay, I am 100% on Rose's side here because OBBBVIOUSLY but Asshole Teacher Stan does make some good points, like, how did Rose expect to keep Lissa safe when she hadn't finished her training? NOT THAT I AM NOT ALL IN FAVOUR OF THE WINGING IT APPROACH but, like, there is something to be said for having a plan to not get your BFF dead, I'm js. 

Eventually, Rose snaps, "She's still alive, isn't she?" which to my mind is basically the ultimate card to play for this conversation, but Asshole Teacher Stan ISN'T DONE YET and gives us all a helpful rundown of what exactly's going on re: all this strigoi/moroi/dhampir business. (If this were actually a Harry Potter book, Hermione would have already told us all this from Hogwarts: a History, because she is flawless.)

Starting as she means to go on.

~~~*~~~STOP: DEPARTMENT OF EXPOSITION TIME~~~*~~~

OKAY so the basic deal with all this shit is that the competency/ability hierarchy goes strigoi > dhampir > moroi > human, so, like, Bad Guys > Rose > Lissa > regular people. The Strigoi get stronger by drinking Moroi blood and are always looking for ways to get it, including attacking Moroi in front of regular humans, and the Moroi and dhampir guardians are slowly losing the war against them to keep the Moroi safe. THANKS, ASSHOLE TEACHER STAN.

~~~*~~~END OF DEPARTMENT OF EXPOSITION~~~*~~~

Asshole Teacher Stan starts teaching class again and then... oh okay, it's time for an:

~~~*~~~IMMEDIATE SECOND TRIP TO THE DEPARTMENT OF EXPOSITION~~~*~~~

Each guardian Novice gets assigned a Moroi student to guard as part of a field experience assignment, while teachers try and attack them. WHAT SORT OF SCHOOL IS THI- oh wait it's a YA book school, of course it's insane. Okay that does make sense. If the guardian Novices do well in that assignment, it can influence which Moroi they get assigned to after graduation. OBV Rose wants Lissa (and also wants Lissa amirite <.< okay that was a cheap joke.)

~~~*~~~MAYBE WE CAN ACTUALLY LEAVE THE EXPOSITION DEPARTMENT NOW~~~*~~~

On the way to lunch, Rose's fab day continues when Dimitri Ponytail is like SO DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH TO PROTECT LISSA? LIKE, REALLY REALLY? CROSS YOUR HEART REALLY? BECAUSE SHE'S GR9 AND YOU'RE DEMONSTRABLY A BIT SHIT AT THIS POINT AND THEY'RE NOT GOING TO GIVE A PRINCESS A CRAPPY GUARDIAN OKAY DIMITRI OUT and then leaves Rose to stew about how everyone thinks she's shit and her girlfriend might get protected by ANOTHER PERSON NOOOOPE. 

And who's this come to improve matters more? Why, it's Prince Victor Dashkov, Lissa's sort-of uncle, lurking around school grounds for.. some reason. (I STILL REMAIN CONVINCED HE'S TOTALLY EVIL JUST FYI). He's, like, super interested in how Rose and Lissa's super special soulbond works (he's evil) and when it started (he's totally evil) and what the limitations of it are (OH MY GOD HE'S THE EVILLEST) and Rose actually tells him because she apparently DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HOW NARRATIVES WORK. 

~~~*~~~BACK TO THE DEPARTMENT OF EXPOSITION WE GO~~~*~~~

RIGHT. While vampire history does have stories about guardians who felt when their charges were in danger, it is, as we know, HELLA RARE, which is sort of lucky for Rose or she would have been kicked straight out of dodge (... the Academy). Rose always knows what Lissa is feeling but they can't send messages to each other. It started right after some Mysterious Accident that Rose was involved in with Lissa and Lissa's family. Rose miraculously survived but Lissa's family died. WHICH ALL SEEMS FINE EVERYONE HERE IS FINE WOW NO ONE IS FINE AT ALL.

~~~*~~~AWAY FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF EXPOSTION~~~*~~~

WISELY, Rose does not tell Probably Evil Uncle Victor Dashkov that she can slip in and out of actually being Lissa. Probably Evil Uncle Victor Dashkov is much more interested in the whole thing than I am comfortable with but FORTUNATELY is overcome by a coughing fit and has to go inside. BUT NOT BEFORE being all like OH ROSE I KNOW YOU WILL TAKE CARE OF LISSA in an alarmingly guilt-trip way - I mean, obviously Rose is there like *crazy eyes* YES I WILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but still that shit is shady. He even pulls the 'I promised Lissa's [dead?] father I'd look after her and when you ran away I felt guilty' card.

That's not cool, dude.

This makes Rose feel like shit, and what doesn't help at all is that just as she's stewing in this new Probably-Evil-Uncle-Victor-Dashkov-prompted guilt, she gets a twang of alarm over her Lissa Senses. She goes pelting off to see what's going on and runs right into a stand-off between Lissa and Unnamed Girl Who Looks Like a Doll who was giving Lissa the evils last chapter. Unnamed Doll Girl is all WOW YOUR CLOTHES ARE TACKY FOR A DRAGOMIR PRINCESS WHERE ARE YOUR STANDARDS and while Lissa is still slightly bemused that something this ridiculous is actually happening, what the hell, what is this schoolyard bullshit when there are people actually trying to kill her oh my god she does not have time for this, Rose grabs Unnamed Doll Girl by the shoulder and drags her away.

"'She does have standards," I said. "Which is why you're done talking to her."

AW YEAH ROSE IS BACK ON FORM.


(Carry on to chapter 4!)